Hope

Gloom and sleep deprivation have this way of making you think (a little too much) about things you normally don't have time for.

So I used to have this book of short stories by O. Henry that belonged to my father. I was reading "The Last Leaf" yesterday. Its the story of a girl called Johnsy who is sick with pneumonia, and she watches these ivy leaves from her bed as they fall one by one, day after day. In her stupor, she's fixated with the idea that her own fate is somehow connected to that of the vine, and as the last leaf falls, so will her own life end.

The story ends with her recovering on the strength of a single surviving leaf, only to discover that the old artist, Mr. Behrman, who lived below them, had painted it on the wall, so that she may never give up hope. It does work, alas! poor Mr. Behrman gives up his own life in the process. A bit morose, I know, but bear with me, there's a point here.



Then yesterday, I watched "Dogma" with my silent but funny pal, CF. I highly recommend all Kevin Smith movies (with the very strong exception of "Jersey Girl") but Dogma is the one thats got all the big celebs.

Anyway, there's this dialogue between Bethany (Linda Fiorentino) and Bartleby (Ben Affleck) in the train, where they're discussing religion and catholicism. At one point, Bartleby asks Bethany when she lost her faith. To which she replies:

"I remember the exact moment. I was on the phone with my mother, and she was trying to counsel me through what was happening to me and my marriage. And she said something like, "There's always a plan." And I.... just got so angry. I mean, I know she was talking about God, right - God had a plan. But I was like, "What about my plans?" You know? Like, don't they count for anything?"

And I love that movie. It deals with all these questions about God and existence and life and happiness. And it has a happy ending, and it gives you, or at least it gave me, two things, right? One, you gotta have faith. And I don't mean, faith in God or something else out there. (I mean, remember Howard the Duck?) I mean faith in yourself. Like you've got to believe that something good is possible and that you can make it happen. And two, you've got to have hope. Even if it looks crappy, you've got to keep hoping that its going to turn out right. Hope keeps us going, well, at least hope keeps me going.

I'm hopeful this whole experience is going to have a good end. And even if it doesn't, I hope its going to be a small blip in the story of my life.

And like the last leaf, I seem to have tied the fate of one endeavor to the fate of another. In some way, I need at least one of them to work to continue to have faith in myself. Even if the second one turns out to be some sort of illusion from far away.

Like I said, I'm not stupid. But I am hopeful.